Parent Coaching Cards teach parents how to give support from the sidelines
By Judith Newmark
St. Louis Post Dispatch
copyright 1998

It has happened, psychologist Steven Richfield acknowledges with a laugh, that now and again someone has used his Parent Coaching Cards in reverse: From time to time, a child has been known to hand the appropriate card to a parent.

Well, why not? Sometimes a parent might appreciate an apt reminder: "Know When to Back Off," "Repair the Tear" (in relationships), "Be Flexible."

Of course, a parent probably doesn't need the cute cartoons that go with each reminder, and probably could keep the index-sized cards in good shape even if they weren't laminated. But it can't hurt. And the kids for whom the cards are designed may appreciate those touches. The cartoons drive home each message.

And if the cards are made to last, great. Some messages - "Don't Take the Bait" or "Get Into Your Cantaloupe Skin" (don't bruise easily, like a banana; protect yourself with a tougher "cantaloupe skin") - are tough to master when you're 10 years old. They're not so easy at 30 or 40, either.

Some children may find them especially tough. Difficult children - children who are "a handful," who don't seem to pick up on ordinary social signals, who have trouble controlling their impulses, who are easily hurt - often get into trouble for the same things over and over again.

They demand what they want. They do take the bait when others tease them. They can't seem to back off. They aren't flexible.

Many such children have Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder; in his private practice in suburban Philadelphia, Richfield sees a lot of children like that.

He often found himself reminding children of the importance of remembering ways to cope with the situations that triggered inappropriate behavior, like talking too much or not paying attention.

But, as a 10-year-old client pointed out to him, "when I leave your office, I forget what you said."

At the same time, Richfield realized that he heard parents say similar things over and over: It was hard to bear special techniques in mind when they were in the throes of "a situation" with their child.

He came up with the cards as a way to address both needs, those of the child and of the parents, on the spot, before things got out of hand.

For the 10-year-old, who tended to talk too much and get carried away, Richfield had written down reminders on index cards, like "When words pop out, watch out."

The original Parent Coaching Cards, which came out about a year and a half ago, looked pretty much like those index cards, he said.

The new set, just out, is more appealing and easier to use.

They are colorful, with a cartoon and a quick reminder on one side, and a longer explanation of the message on the other side.

The cards are attached to each other with a key ring. A child can easily remove a few cards - ones that deal with his or her particular issues - and keep them handy, in a tote bag or school desk, for a little on-the-spot reassurance.

There's also a coloring book version of the cards, especially suitable for younger children who aren't reading a lot.

Even the original set proved very popular, Richfield said. He was, at first, surprised to learn that many parents were using the cards even with children who did not have special behavioral issues to deal with.

But when he thought about it, it made sense; all children have problems with impulse control.

You might say that learning to control one's impulses is a working definition of "growing up."

Besides, he and his wife, Caryn, also a psychologist, have discovered that their own sons, aged 8 and 5, find the cards useful in dealing with day-to-day problems.

Just as important, so do they. Richfield thinks that one of the most helpful things parents can do for their children, whether they have behavior problems or not, is to be a coach.

That means, he says, to provide firm, clear guidance - not angry punishment - when the child runs into difficulty, to show ways to deal with problems, instead of criticism for having problems in the first place, and to show that you're on the same "team," leading cheers.

Richfield hopes that parents will go over the cards with their children - the quick side during immediate problems, the longer, explanatory side in calmer times.

Most children will need to concentrate on some cards more than others; so will their parents.

The cards are based on the idea that thinking clearly and self-monitoring can affect and improve behavior. It's meant to be a tool box that helps a child master his or her reactions, and as a result enjoy more success at school, at home and in social situations.

But for that to happen, Richfield emphasizes, the parent has to be part of the process. "The parent coach is objective and nurturing, a thoughtful, patient, understanding guide," he said. "Even when children are transgressing, they have to know that you will offer a hug and direction, not come down on them. They need to know that you are there for them, on the sidelines."